I can’t recall ever seeing my parents hold hands or say nice things to each other. I remember waking up one morning when I was about 5 years old and seeing my parents fighting. My mom temporarily relocated to Enugu and as a child, I shuttled between Enugu and Calabar every holiday. I grew up sad. Some days I couldn’t find the encouragement I needed. I hated marriage and believed there was nothing like a happy one.
In my early teenage years, I was sexually harassed by a man, and I didn’t know who to confide in. My dad was definitely not an option, and sadly, neither was my mom. Years later my mom came home and all hell broke loose. I was older then and watching them fight became even more painful. I wanted to feel loved so I began to seek for love outside home.
I’d given my life to Christ, I was serving in a fellowship and was active in church, but I badly wanted to have sex. When I couldn’t find this, I resorted to watching porn and masturbating. I felt terrible each time I did these things but I always continued. I sometimes equated sex to love and wrongly tried to use it to make up for the love I couldn’t get from home. After so many heart pricking moments, I was tired of my dirty secret life. I decided I needed help and opened up to my pastor. I thought I was going to be judged or told I was demon possessed but he surprised me by showing me so much love. Then I realized Jesus still loved me. I knew there was still another chance for me to get it right. Rededicating my life to God and asking him for help was the beginning of my healing.
Now, my parents are seeking a divorce. The issue is getting worse and once, my dad nearly shot my mom. But, I have Jesus so I have peace and I know I’m loved. I still dream of the day I’ll see them hold hands. If they don’t, I’ll make sure my kids see me hold and kiss my husband daily.