Most people think I’m an outgoing and outspoken person, but I wasn’t always so. Growing up was kind of dicey. I have 6 siblings – 4 girls and 2 boys. My dad always wanted boys and he didn’t hide it from us. It was obvious. You can imagine the disappointment when the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th were girls. He got upset at some point and very aggressive. He used to hit us a lot for no apparent reason. Sometimes he would lock us up in a room and burn us with a candle, pouring the wax on us – just very strange ways of punishing us. 

Growing up, my sisters and I always felt unwanted. We didn’t have a voice. My dad didn’t have the channel to express the love that he felt because he wanted boys. I started needing approval from everyone, so I had multiple characters. I became so many people so that I could appeal to everyone. It was really conflicting. I lost myself and had no identity. It affected my expression. I didn’t know how to express what I was feeling towards people because I was always shut down as a child. I wouldn’t say anything if you offended me. I would just bottle the emotions inside. 

I started having dysfunctional relationships –I wasn’t communicating. I could just be quiet for 2 hours and the other person would be wondering what’s up with me. I was scattered. I also didn’t value relationships, I felt everybody could be replaced. I never worked things out with people. I didn’t have the capacity to. So the image I was trying to initially build was crumbling because I was hurting people and was seen as a bad person. 

As a Christian, I couldn’t see God as a Father; I didn’t think he cared. My dad would do everything for us except show us fatherly love. God was everything else (like my ATM card) but just not my Father. I started getting depressed. There was a time I was suicidal. I took a mixture and was hoping not to wake up. I started attending Thursday Showers and the pastor was always talking about God being your father and friend, over and over. That was my turning point. 

After tracing where it all started from, I reached out to my dad and told him how he damaged my sisters and I. He never apologised, but I’m fine and we’re now in a good place.